| A Letter |
[21 Apr 2009|10:37pm] |
My love,
I write this letter to you, dated April 21st, in hopes that you can find a way to forgive me. I have noted at the idea of me being a different man before, so now I would like to go further in depth with that. You may ask yourself "What's the difference between the Matt that fucked up in March, and the Matt that's writing this only a month later?" Susan, I did a lot of thinking the night after returning from Santa Cruz and you got upset again about me not filling you in on the small details of my life. I didn't sleep much that night and it was the only thing on my mind. I came to the conclusion that I need to stop staring so far into the future and start living more in the here and now. That includes how I incorporate you into my life. So from that point on, I vowed that I would keep you "in" on what it is I do when I'm not talking to you and who it is I hang out with. Not only that, I wanted to talk more about my past with you as well. I felt great, even a bit excited, about it - I really felt like this would make us even closer. Then Sunday night happened. I realize now that there are things about one another's past that we've yet to learn about, and I want to get it all out there. I want you to know the inside and outside of Matthew Thomas Matejcek - and this is much different from the man that used to not want to talk about his past. I realize now that even though high school wasn't the best experience for me, I still should have discussed it more. I also realized that night I wrote the xanga entry, I should've let you know what was on my mind. Why the hell do I bottle up my emotions? It's something I am figuring out myself and it's something I'm promising to change. I swear it, I'm turning over a new leaf. Why? Because at this point in my life, I realize that I need to let go of a lot of old friendships and whatnot, and accept the fact that everyone has their own paths to walk down. You, however, are not only my past, my present, but my future as well. I cannot, I will not, EVER, let something affect you like it just has.
This isn't a lame promise I'm making to you that you'll assume I'll break - this is a vow I'm making to myself. These past 48 hours I've realized one thing: I cannot live without you. You're my lifeline. The difference between now and second quarter was that you were doing that as an investment in our future, so I was able to accept it eventually and go from there. This, however, is eating me up inside. I can't sit idly by and allow something like that to ruin our future together. We're perfect together, there's no denying that. Those moments in Santa Cruz when it's just you and me bonding...Well, I wish I could have that every day of the rest of my life.
Along with this letter, I have included a list of vows that I promise to try and keep in order to help me be the boyfriend you deserve. All I ask is that you bare with me, one final time, and please allow me to be yours<3
I, Matthew Thomas Matejcek, vow to Susan Clare Johnson, that:
1.) I will keep you updated in my social life. This includes any friend drama, whether back home or here in Santa Barbara, and talk about them much more. You should know the friends I hang out with here, and I fear that you probably only know the name of my roommate. That, I want to change.
2.) I will talk about what I do in my leisure time. I will talk about games I play, poetry I write (especially if it's about you), websites I visit, etc. I want you to be confident that I won't let the twitter catastrophe happen again.
3.) I will refrain from holding my emotions on my sleeve. I'll admit that it's always been a problem for me. Maybe I need to be more rational? Nevertheless, there's plenty of things out there that I just can't change and I can't let it affect me in ways that'll end up hurting you. This will also include me turning to you more about my feelings. Consider this: When was the last time I came to you with a problem that was affecting my emotions? Not often, right? I don't know why I don't ever talk things out with people, but if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you, I should be able to vent to you about things that grind my gears.
4.) I will learn to see things from your perspective. I'm currently in a bind because I didn't ask myself "Hey, how would Susan feel about this?" Many times I dig myself in a whole because I may think something's innocent, but another perspective would say different. I need to be more aware. I've been trying to do this for a while now, I assure you, but I really need to get that locked down.
5.) I will practice what I preach. I want to be a "girlfriend" guy, and dammit, that's what I'm going to do. Also, I say I'm so devoted to you and that I worship you and whatnot, but I think I should start showing it more.
These are a few of the things I want to improve on. More will come. I want to start using livejournal more as a way of connecting to you. You're the only one who reads this, so if I write a poem or whatnot, I want to post it and have you see it.
Lastly, I've attached a poem I wrote about you. I wrote at the end of February. I hope you like it.
The universe is expanding
Dark energy is pressing through
And like gravitation force
I'm consistently drawn to you
Your face, your ora, your beauty
These are things I cannot retell
Oh, the pain to be a blind man
Being robbed that visual spell
I can't describe these thoughts for you
And all the appreciation
When I see your stunning features
Those same feelings come back again
The pain I feel when I'm away
Like an actor cut from a play
Desperately searching for my role
Even if there's a cut in pay
I need to be right by your side
So I can look inside those eyes
Take a listen to your heartbeat
And you can watch my spirit rise
Susan, I love you. You're my everything. You've become such a constant in my life that I cannot function properly without you. You are my princess, my babee, my life.
<3Matt
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| A Summer With My Love |
[13 Apr 2009|07:05pm] |
To me, you are a sheltering tree
Keeping me cool throughout long summer days
But when fall looms its head and we must part
Those leaves all drift away
In the harshest of winters
Times will indeed be rough and tough
But I know with the arrival of glorious spring
That I'll be in your shadow soon enough
I hope that summer lasts awhile
So I can get used to the comfort of your shade
For those perfect moments make me wish
The season were here to stay
<3M
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| In Dreams |
[05 Apr 2009|11:55pm] |
I figured it out when I drew the lines
My lack of skill equals my lack of nerve
I sit idly by as your face glows in the night
It's you, my dear, that I'll never deserve
For without you, I'm not left with much
A loud imagination and the ability to write
And with each word, I'll right my wrongs
To compose a hymn that I hope you'll like
A final cup of coffee, loneliness sets in
I bid farewell to the empty diner
Drifting asleep, I picture your complexion
I can't imagine it being any finer
For even when it's in my dreams
Away from how harsh reality can feel
I'll sit beside you atop a cloud
In a world so fake, our love is real
<3M
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| i love her. |
[14 Apr 2008|10:49pm] |
I really do. And as each day passes, I look further and further into my future with her.
<3M
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